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Further Reflections on Self Improvement

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for me on a personal level Its been a difficult last few days.
Being brought into a sacred space very suddenly brought about a sudden change. It catalyzed something. I needed a cleansing. Spring is here and im taking inventory of my possessions, and trying to cleanse physically, and theres a spiritual and psychological dimension to that too.

Some of what ive said before can best be expressed this way.
Theres two main ways to approach ethics. One is what ppl in the Occult traditions call the left hand path. and the right hand path. In political praxis people say the words Individualist and Collectivist. All these point to different ways of handling topics like morality. For me the question on my mind lately, is a single question that could be phrased many ways.

how do i balance the individual with the community?
How do i find my place in a community.
What is the balance between, on the one extreme, hiding myself as much as possible, and on the other extreme…pushing myself into communal spaces more than i should?
What is the individualist way of being ethical and what is the collectivist way of being ethical? What can both teach?
How can all these questions best help me to confront bias and prejiduce within myself?

When i was brought into the K.H anthology , it hit me really suddenly how big a deal this is. To live up to this honor i feel i need to work extra hard to be a good person and a good ally. Or otherwise i will continue to feel like a source of negativity rather than a source of healing or solidarity. When i was brought into this anthology it intensified my need to confront my demons…and the only way to do that has been to bring them into the light. I want the ppl who made this anthology to feel that involving me was not a mistake…that it was a positive, not a negative. I want ppl who face oppressions far worse than mine….to feel safe around me. and feel they can trust me. and that means i need to overcome my demons the only way i know how. by writing about them.

this process is hard for me, and its not because im concerned with convenience or comfort. its difficult for me because i wonder if it will truly help…if it will make the lives of oppressed people any easier. Thats why i do what i did during the horrible ordeals, the worst ordeals i went thru over the past decade…i go back to my code. i ask myself…am i doing my best? am i being the best i can be today? Am i harming someone with my actions? How do i work on myself and become better? .

In one of my other articles (currently down for revision) i talked about the desire for external validation and how it can ironically make one less ethical. I believe it does this by placing motivation in the wrong place. One may do the right thing but they do it for the wrong reasons. If i find myself in a community where i gain social acceptance by doing the right thing…thats wonderful…but if that same community changes and turns on me for doing the exact same thing….i should more than ever…seek to balance the individual and the community to produce the best decision possible. That being said, there are exceptions this and there are situations in which this entire paragraph is irrelevant. Such as when the community in question is one so oppressed and vital to listen to that the needs they vocalize are priority #1, period. so regardless of my own theories about ethics and praxis are….i am always trying to learn and grow.

In addition im going to start writing about myself in more detail. I need to trust the world more. I need to trust that the world with my story. I am not virtuous, to the contrary…im kind of a disaster. But my story is useful, and its interesting, and it needs to be told. Certainly there are voices to prioritize over me ! i agree. but i need to open up. And stop fragmenting myself.

Im responsible for the way that i have let ideologies like cryoto fascism worm their way into my head over my life. My renunciation of them is personal medicine and could also be a societal medicine. I want to turn the enemies weapons against him. Im responsible for all my actions, always. im responsible for the ways iv benefited from this horrible racist system. so when i talk about my past, im not trying to find alibis. or make excuses…but surrounding these confessions there is context.

in my case, i was a childhood cult member. i was groomed by a cult when i was 16 in a failed attempt to recruit me (they got my dad though) ….i ende dup in a cult at 20 and during that time was ‘mothered’ by a white supremacist and esoteric fascist heathen named MK. MK and DB had competing ideologies tho both were really toxic. in one the bias was obvious, in the other it was more subtle…both of them fucked up my mind really bad and taught me a bunch of lies. And again…im responsible for breaking the hold their ideology has over me, breaking it completely…and its my duty to be wary of its influence, for the rest of my life.

Ill be opening up about this over several different blog posts. and my goal is to gradually turn this into a series of zines about confronting cult abuse, esoteric fascism and owning up to the way my people all play a role in white supremacy.


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